Why did this happen to me? When I was younger I was the classic ugly duckling. Guys NEVER looked my way. In fact I was made fun of a lot. I had some small meaningless relationships but that was it. Than something changed. It started when I met Steven Corbin. I met a really cute guy who seemed really cool.. who apparently was BLIND and had no idea about who I was. He was one of my friends cousins. I fell head over heels for him instantly. I don't remember much about the walk that day. Or how we played basketball afterwards <yea.. he beat me>. I barely even remember saying good bye that day. But shortly after that we were dating. After awhile it just didn't work out and we broke up. <Yea... I dumped him and than he wouldn't go out with me again.. DAMN BIPOLARISM> I was crushed. I went into High School thinking I'd never love again. I talked about him all the time.. I just couldn't stop thinking about him. I kept having hopes that he would call me or something... But Nothing. I cried a lot too. I blame that mostly on my depression issues but it still hurt that I lost the first guy I ever even felt anything for. He was so cute, funny, and VERY intelligent. Being with him.. it's hard to describe. The feeling felt so deep. But I had lost it. I would cry asking God for some guy to patch my wounds. I wanted someone who wouldn't make fun of me as Corbin did. I wanted a guy who instead would compliment me and make me love myself finally. I wanted an older guy who would hold me close. A guy who loved to just lay together with the one he loved, me. I wanted someone to be infatuated with ME for once.

I didn't realize God was listening..

Kristofer Santos showed up on my bus. I began to get a rather LARGE crush on him. He was funny and sweet. He was older than me too. I use to play games with him on the bus that always seemed to end with him holding my hand. It was very cute.. and the most romantic thing I had EVER recieved. After awhile something even MORE romantic happened. He kissed me. We started dating right than and there. He was everything I asked for. He LOVED me and only me. He complimented me all the time and tried to make me feel good about myself. He worshipped the quicksand I walked on. I had never been so happy. Was this love? Was this meant to be?
It didn't last though. I began to grow tired of being worshipped. I wanted the compliments, yes, but not so much. I didn't want him clinging to every little thing i did. I began to pray again.. I wanted a taller guy.. someone who could protect me. Someone who would walk up behind me and hold me close. I wanted to feel someones strong arms holding me. I wanted him to be somewhat of a rebel. Kris was a goody-two-shoes and I hated it. I wanted someone who was handsome. Kris wasn't ugly but.. I wanted my tall, dark, and handsome Knight.

God was still listening...

Robert McInnis showed up awhile ago during Sophmore year. He started liking me Freshman year but I don't remember him. Sophmore year I had a crush on him but I thought he was too much of a snob. Than Junior year, while I dated Kris, I walked in to my first day of English to see him. We sat next to each other. Why? I don't even remember. We began flirting a lot. It was such a tease to sit there and see his earring. I wanted to nibble on his ears so bad. He was the most attractive guy who EVER flirted with me. He was skinny, tall, and had muscle tone. His eyes were the most beautiful shade of blue with brown. OMG his EARRING!! I instantly got the bad boy feeling off of him as well. I found out he was a rebel and he went out smoking with his friends. That was a little turn off. I refuse to date guys who do ANY sort of drug. But after awhile he said he'd stop. This was my Tall, Dark, and Handsome Knight.
After awhile we were engaged and seperated to go our paths in the Army. I began to despise him. Things that I had never even considered to be a bother were too much for me to handle. I couldn't do it anymore. I asked God for a man who could guide me through these dark times. Rob refused to see my wounds.. to realize how much pain I was in. I needed someone who would caress me and guide me back up from the darkness I had shruken into. Rob couldn't do it hundreds of miles away.. It just wasn't working. I needed help.

God was still there...

Antonio Windom.. He was one of the most outgoing guys I had ever seen. Not only did he pick me up but he had kissed every wound a thousand times over. I wish I could have done the same for him. I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to heal his wounds.. but his were too deep for me and before I knew it we were headed seperate ways. I knew how he was with women. He's VERY attractive and a sex-aholic. I felt bad depriving him of such things. He had always called me beautiful and made me feel loved but.. I felt unworthy of him. He was everything I had ever wanted. He complimented me all the time but not enough to be a worshipper. He would often hold me in his strong arms making me feel safe at last. He brought me comfort no one else had. He was a defenant Bad Boy. But he had an emotional side as well that would produce such feeling it would often move me in many ways. My wounds.. my scars.. he kissed evey single one of them. He did not turn his back on me as Rob had but pulled me closer. He let me feel things and see things no one else could. He was dark though.. he's past lay in scars in his soul that if touched could explode. I think in that way I felt hurt.. I couldn't do to him what he had done to me. As much as I wanted him I did not deserve him. It ended.. I went to Massachusetts and he went to Alaska. I released him and we promised to stay friends.
I felt horrible. By now I had realized that God was trying to prove something to me. I still don't know what. I feel like this is a big test.. Maybe. I just wish a sign would fall telling me where I'm suppose to be.. All these people.. Who is it I'm meant to be with.

God seemed to be laughing

Corbin, after being gone for 4-5 years, APPEARED! What the HELL!! I hated seeing him. I instantly knew it was him because I could feel the same emotions wash over me. Something prayed that I was just CrAzY. But as I thought it was him and of course I craved him. As I said he was something different. He always could make me laugh but what really attracted me was his intellect. When he actually was serious it was something I had to listen to. His voice could send tingles all the way through my body. His eyes, seem so dark, could penetrate through me. I always wanted to catch his eye. I can never stop looking at him. I felt addicted all over again. There was the bad boy, the one who knew how to hurt me in so many ways.. but for some reason it only drew me closer. He never really held me before.. but for some reason it felt like he had. Why he could touch me without doing it physically is beyond me. He drives me crazy in every way. BUT WHY?!?!?! I can't even word it it's just that WIERD!

God... created the choice.

Now here's where I THINK the test comes into play. I've been given what I've asked for.. mUlTiPlE times. Now I must actually learn to be grateful and accept one of them. But why... Truth is I've been torn by them too many times. Kris, thank-you Lord, is out of the picture completely. I've honestly seen the new him and it disgusts me. I'm left with Rob who I love but.. Everyone knows he's wrong for me but me. Is it that I'm too scared to lose him forever? Is it that I really do love him? Or is it that I can't hurt him... It doesn't matter what I say to him he'll never seem to understand. I tell him I want to be friends and he takes that as "When you come back we'll be dating" I say NO! but... I also know that when he comes back I will be scared for the longest time. I won't be able to see him or talk to him. I don't even want to know when he's back. For some odd reason if I were to see him.. If he were to touch me.. I dunno what would happen. There's so much between us. But I'm so tired of crawling to him everytime. I know I was the one to make a mistake but... I'm tired of him using my mistakes against me and making me feel like shit as I attempt to crawl back again. I put my foot down this time. I say no. As for Antonio. I will probably NEVER see him again. He is actually about to disappear into Iraq where he will forget about me. I think I did love him.. but now I'll never know huh? As for Corbin.. God wtf. You so did this one on PURPOSE!!! I wanted a man who I could be close with. Someone I could be comfortable with. Someone who I didn't have to raise my walls again. I hated meeting new people. How was I suppose to meet new people. God just listens to me way to much. Why Corbin? Was it the deep feelings I feel for him? Was it to dry the tears I had cried so many years ago? What was the reason? He's awaken so many things within me. But.. His walls seem to high for me. I don't want to hurt again like I did last time. I had never cried so much over a man.. I had never ached so much for someone's touch. What if I got that attached again? What if I started to feel for him all over again? How bad would it hurt now? But.. with all these things going through my head can I really expect him to even get comfortable with me. No. I suppose not. He doesn't want anything anyways. He's hurting over his ex and apparently doesn't want to date ever again. It saves me a hard choice but... not really.
I've already to start to feel something. I can't stop thinking about him. I keep wanting to see him. I keep wanting to hear his voice.. to hear what he has to say no matter how stupid it is. I want to be close with him.
But I suppose it doesn't matter. Because even now I can't say for sure what will happen when Rob comes back. Who will I choose? Maybe I won't have to choose... Maybe Corbin will get back with his ex. or lose interest in me. Will it hurt? YES!!!! But thats the price I pay for feeling this way. What about Rob? Maybe he'll finaly see how horrible I am and leave me alone. Will it hurt. A bit.. especially if we decide not to be friends. Just on-line friends though.. Talking to him in person or hanging out.. No way. THAT would be the painful one. Antonio... as I said.. but I'll miss him.

God has left me some hope anyways...

God has left me something though.. If I go to the doctors and the DOCTOR says I can NOT have children. Than all men go bye bye ^.^ I doubt it will hurt them knowing I won't be dating ANYONE. Besides I could just lie to them. If it's Corbin I love I'll tell him I'm going to date Rob. If it's Rob I love than I'll tell him I can't stop cheating on him and I don't love him. If Antonio were even to come back into my life I'd simply tell him I'm not interested anymore. True all of the ways are cold but..
1. Corbin has already built up such a wall I DOUBT he'll actually really care if he doesn't see me. Plus if I say I choose Rob he's already been expecting that.. I hate that he has been but I can't blame him. I wish he could erase my thoughts of Rob though.. I bet he could..
2. Rob is almost ready to leave me anyways. I don't even know why he still wants me. I think if I get him to hate me than he'll finally cut all ties with me. It's just so hard trying to act like I hate him when he touches me.. in fact it's so hard to do anything when he wraps his arms around me. I'd melt..
3. I know Antonio moves on instantly ^.~ That one is a strong guy. I'll just be another scar that will soon be forgotten.
3. I'd rather them hate me and ditch me knowing they can do better. I refuse to hamper anyone's life. I refuse to be a burden.. I refuse to be the one to kill everyones dreams.